Trualta Spotlight: Monique Frahm – Care Educator

“What’s your biggest fear?”

A question we’ve all been asked before. My biggest fear was losing my parents.

My biggest fear came true. I was a university student, studying to be a nurse. I wanted to help people. I wanted to dedicate my life to caring for people. Little did I know, this would become very close to home. When I was 22 years old, my mom was my dad’s primary caregiver. He had a multitude of health problems, but she was also struggling with some unexplainable symptoms. At this time, I came home from university to help my mom. She wasn’t herself, my gut feeling was that something was very wrong.

My dad passed away at home that March, and two months later, my mom was hospitalized and diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. She was in the hospital for a year, and healthcare professionals urged me to place her in a facility. I refused. I got the training I needed for ventilator support and I brought her home. She was home for about 9 months before she passed away.

My caregiving journey lasted about 3 years. Those 3 years were the hardest years of my life, which still seems like an understatement. The weight of the world was on my shoulders: my mom’s life. This is a weight that every caregiver bears, and saying it’s overwhelming doesn’t begin to describe it. What do we do when our biggest fears come true? We adapt. We overcome. We survive. This is what caregivers do. 

Finding Meaning in Caregiving 

For years, I tried to find meaning in it all. People have told me, “everything happens for a reason”. Which is actually one of my least favorite statements. No, this didn’t need to happen. The people we love the most shouldn’t have gotten sick. None of this should have happened. While I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, I do believe that we can find meaning.

I found meaning when I started working with Trualta. I find meaning by dedicating my work to supporting caregivers. If I can take what I learned from my experience as a caregiver and use it to offer any sense of support, comfort, companionship, connection, or sense of belonging to just one caregiver, that is the meaning in it all.

When I think about how I can support caregivers in their journeys, it’s less about what I did when I was in their shoes, and more about what I wish I did. The things that I wish I knew. The things that I wish someone told me. The tools that I wish I had. I feel very grateful to be in the position that I’m in, to be able to put myself back into those shoes, in order to help other caregivers. There is something beautiful about using your own hardship to help others. That, again, is the meaning in it all. 

Why Supporting Caregivers Is Important

A Note for the Healthcare Industry

To my colleagues in healthcare and those dedicated to funding caregiver support programs, I cannot emphasize enough how often caregivers are overlooked. This is something that consistently comes up in the support groups I facilitate, and something I have firsthand experience with.

When I was a caregiver, no one checked on me. No one offered support. I was never recommended a support group. I was never pointed towards educational content. I was expected to know how to care for my mom and I was expected to do it alone. I was isolated, overwhelmed, and in turn, I hit a state of burnout incredibly fast. I was a caregiver for 3 years. Yet, I encounter caregivers enduring this journey for 5, 10, even 15 years.

As healthcare professionals, we have the ability to ease their journey. We have a direct hand in helping them keep their loved ones home. This hand isn’t offered up soon enough or often enough.

Advice from One Caregiver to Another 

To my fellow caregivers, if I were to summarize my top pieces of advice, this is what I would say. 

Value Yourself 

Value yourself and everything that you do. We can feel very unappreciated and unrecognized as caregivers. Appreciate yourself. Recognize yourself. You are so valuable. 

Water the parts of yourself that are unrelated to caregiving. The artist in you. The knitter. The reader. The friend. The nature-lover. The volunteer. Do everything you can to water those parts. Keep them alive. 

Your thoughts are powerful, don’t let them control you. Just because we think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Speak kindly to yourself. Find small things to be grateful for. 

Allow Yourself to Fully Feel 

You’re feeling an emotion for a reason. Frustrated? Angry? Resentful? Overwhelmed? Your emotions are valid. Allow yourself to feel without judgment. 

Recognizing the grief in caregiving allows you to cope with it. The losses that come with caregiving are overwhelming, there is grief in this. Labeling grief for what it is will allow you to understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, and allow you to cope better. 

Prioritize Yourself & Reach Out 

There is time for self-care. Even if it’s 5 minutes. You are worthy of self-care. Prioritize yourself when you can. 

Asking for help is hard but necessary. Seeking support is hard but necessary. Find someone to talk to, don’t try to handle everything on your own. Just because we want to be able to do everything ourselves, doesn’t mean that we should. 

Remind Yourself You Are Doing Enough 

Release control. Trying to control everything is what takes control over us. Focus on what you can control and accept what you can’t. 

You are doing enough. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I promise you that you are. 

Building a Caregiver Community

I am in a unique position. I have experienced the problems related to the lack of caregiver support firsthand, and I am now a part of providing a solution to these problems. This solution is a combination of education, support, and community; and the power of this is immeasurable. I experience this power every day. 

These are some quotes that have stood out to me throughout my experience as a Care Educator.

• “I have learned how to be a strong, empowered caregiver while maintaining my own life.”
• “Even on the worst days, the support groups have felt like a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on.”
• “Listening to people’s stories helped me learn how to deal and cope with my situation with less stress.”
• “I have realized that I’m not alone.”

With Trualta, caregivers are empowered, motivated, and validated. They feel more confident, less alone, and capable. They recognize their strength, their abilities, and their worth. I so strongly believe in the power of community, especially when it comes to the caregiver community. 

The well-being of caregivers is directly related to the well-being of those they care for. Let’s do everything we can to ensure that their well-being is sustained.