Why No One Talks About The Guilt Of Wanting A Break

Whether you’re caring for a young child, a young adult with disabilities, or an older adult, many caregivers experience guilt about taking time away from the people they care for.

Caring for someone presents unique challenges that require knowledge, skills, and support. Trualta has educational and support resources for several age groups and chronic conditions, as well as dedicated resources for those experiencing caregiver burnout. Check if you have access.

The Sandwich Generation Definition

A 2021 survey from the Pew Research Center found that nearly 25% of adults in the United States were considered part of the sandwich generation. For individuals in their 40s, this number rises to 54%.

While the term often refers to a middle aged adult in Generation X (or “Gen X”), it applies to a person who cares for an aging parent over 65 and a child under 18 (or is financially supporting an adult child). These individuals are “sandwiched” between the older and younger generations, providing caregiving and support to both, while also remaining part of the workforce and dedicating time to household responsibilities.

Due to the high demands of caregiving, sandwich generation caregivers may experience:

Higher emotional and physical stress
Increased risk for stress-related illnesses
Difficulty preserving their identity and relationships
Feelings of guilt

Why Sandwich Generation Caregivers Experience Guilt

Let’s face it. Talking about our struggles and need for help can be hard enough in ideal circumstances. When you feel like you’re the glue holding everything together, it can be even harder. You know that your aging parents or growing children rely on you to be the steady, dependable person who knows how to manage a unique challenge or a conflict. Even if nobody holds you to these expectations, you may hold yourself to them.

“Guilt” happens when people feel like they’re failing to meet expectations and obligations.

So when sandwich generation caregivers feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or otherwise at their limit, it can be hard to admit that they need to take time for themselves. Here are some common reasons why sandwich generation caregivers experience guilt about wanting a break:

Comparing Yourself To Others

You might be thinking that other caregivers don’t need breaks or leisure time for themselves. You may even know other sandwich generation caregivers and tell yourself that they have everything under control without taking personal time.

Having High Expectations

It can be hard to take breaks when you hold yourself to an unrealistic standard of caregiving. Many of these are examples of “all or nothing” thinking:

Wanting tasks done the “right” way. You might be thinking, “I’m the only person who knows how to do [caregiving tasks] the right way. The task won’t get done if I take time away.”

Holding yourself to an identity. For example, “Everyone calls me a ‘super mom’! They won’t think that about me anymore if they know I’m taking time for myself…”
Wanting to be an “ideal” caregiver. You may have an idea of what it means to be a perfect caregiver. You might tell yourself that by doing what a perfect caregiver does, it means you’re truly devoted to your parent or child. If you fall short of these expectations, you might feel guilty.
Feeling “weak”. You might tell yourself that needing a break means you’re “weak” or a bad caregiver.
Pressures from culture. In some cultures, it’s expected that adult children take care of their aging parents. You may hold yourself to these expectations for how caregiving needs to be done.

Wanting To Make Up For The Past

You may feel bad about getting angry with your parent or child and want to make up for it. Some caregivers feel guilty for how they treated their care recipient in the past and think prioritizing their needs will make it better.

Why Breaks Are Vital To Sandwich Generation Caregivers

Guilt is harmful to our health. In caregivers, it may contribute to:

Depression
Anxiety
Poor psychological and physical health
Negative effects on caregiving abilities

While sandwich generation caregivers may feel guilt about taking time for themselves, it’s important to do it. Not taking time to take care of your needs and give yourself personal time to recharge can contribute to caregiver burnout. This may look like:

Feeling emotionally fragile, sadness, or despair
Feeling angry, frustrated, or like you want to lash out
Difficulty sleeping
Poor performance at work or being frequently absent
Difficulty concentrating or being less productive at work
Losing or gaining lots of weight in a short time period
Neglecting self-care
Not engaging in activities you used to enjoy or need to do
People tell you that they’re worried about you

A woman stands against a light-colored wardrobe, holding a sleeping infant dressed in a light gray outfit. Natural light enters through a nearby window with closed blinds.

How To Manage Guilt & Burnout

As a caregiver of multiple generations, it’s hard to prioritize your needs. These 6 tips can help you care for your needs and take time for yourself as a sandwich generation caregiver.

1. Recognize Feelings Of Guilt

Labeling what you’re feeling and recognizing it as guilt can be a helpful first step in dealing with it. Try to pinpoint where you feel the guilt coming from. This can help you resolve it.

For example:

Are you telling yourself you “should” or “shouldn’t” be a certain way when it comes to caregiving?
Do you have any needs that are unmet?
Are your actions in line with your values? Does something need to change?
Is the guilty feeling associated with something specific, or has feeling guilt been a pattern in your life?

Be kind to yourself and remember that caregiving is stressful–especially as a sandwich caregiver.

2. Make Time For Leisure

When we don’t make time for leisure activities, we risk becoming more stressed, less satisfied with life, and at a higher risk for burnout. On the other side, when we prioritize leisure, we reap benefits like:

Emotional stability
Increased self- and life-satisfaction
Increased positive energy
Confidence
Self-actualization
Reduced stress and improved mental health
Stronger social relationships

When you take time for yourself, try to engage in a hobby you enjoy. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated, or even for a long period of time. For example:

Baking a dessert
Reading a book for 30 minutes
Digging in the garden
Knitting a scarf

3. Talk To Your Employer

Depending on your employer and what you do, you may be able to organize a flexible work arrangement to accommodate caregiving tasks. For example:

Working certain days of the week
Working certain hours of the day
A hybrid working arrangement (certain days in-person in the office)

4. Ask For & Practice Accepting Help

“Help” can look different to every person:

For one caregiver, it might mean seeking respite care a few days per week so they can take a few hours off.
For another, it might mean hiring a babysitter and going out to dinner with their spouse once per month.
For another, it might mean calling a friend and asking them to hold space and listen, so they can share the struggles of being a sandwich generation caregiver.

5. Redefine “Good Enough” Caregiving

Many caregivers put their own needs on hold to prioritize helping others. Doing this temporarily can be ok once in awhile–but it can become an unsustainable pattern for many.

Many caregivers hold themselves to unrealistic caregiving expectations that put them at risk for burnout. Try to redefine those expectations:

Start by identifying your priorities. This might be the “bare minimum” of what needs to be done, like making your children breakfast or helping your aging parent get dressed.
Consider who else can help. Can your child carpool home with a friend a few days per week while you get a head start on dinner?
Remind yourself of what is outside of your control. Don’t hold yourself responsible for something that you can’t control. Focus on managing the issue as best you can and move on.
Set boundaries. Practice saying no when someone asks you to take on additional work. While it can feel stressful at first, remind yourself that you’re prioritizing your (and your family’s) well-being.

6. Get Support

Having someone you trust to share with can help you process your emotions. It can be even more helpful if that person is another sandwich generation caregiver who truly gets what you’re going through. You may even be able to find a support group to connect with other caregivers like you and share strategies. Check if you have free access to Trualta’s resources and community of caregivers.

Talking to a mental health professional, like a psychologist or clinical counselor, can help you identify and manage guilt if you’re finding that other strategies aren’t working. A therapist can help you figure out what’s at the root of your these feelings. Then, you can work together to process them and figure out a plan to move forward.

References:

Sandwich Generation Burnout: The Guilt Of Wanting A Break

The Sandwich Generation Definition